Saturday, May 7, 2011

HESED does not equal BUSY-ness

I have been ruminating about a lot of things as of late and it took taking a break from the busy-ness of my life to realize that I need to STOP. Yes,  stop busying myself with events and meetings with people and just sit with myself and the dude upstairs and have a conversation. The beautiful surroundings here in Airmont, NY is the driving impetus for all this. Even ending up here was, and I know because I certainly didn't plan on being up here this week, orchestrated by something higher and omniscient than myself. Also, a recent email from my pastor, Brian Moll had me thinking of the current series we are observing at Forefront Church called HESED : the consistent, ever-faithful, relentless, constantly-pursuing, lavish, extravagant, unrestrained, furious love of our Father God!
"It is this love, demonstrated through the life and death of our Savior Jesus Christ, which has shaped our lives and made us who we are today — a people filled with joy and confidence who know the source of life, who are living the way life was meant to be lived." -Frank Johnson

My relationships thus far has been lacking the trust that is needed to be placed in the hands of God, and frankly, just GOD period.  To this day, I wonder about how my life would've turned out if I had stayed in Costa Mesa, CA and married my pseudo-ex fiancĂ©. Michael BublĂ©'s "Feeeling Good" just went on in my Pandora and I can't help but feel that the dude upstairs is really tugging at my heart right now. I know that he's got big plans for me and whether I execute them here in NY, Paris, LA, Perth or Kampala whatever it is will be HUGE. The one thing that I AM worried about is that I will go at it alone. I long for a partner to share all of this with but I do not know that I have met him yet. Every time I meet someone new and exciting, our lives kind of separate us due to their "busy-ness". 21 Including the one that I left back in CA. I was a stubborn 25 year old longing for something bigger than what God was planning and I didn't know him then like I know him now. I'd like to think that my faith has always been at a level 10 growing up but it hasn't. Even separating from the comforting arms of someone who loved me was against everything I was programmed to do. Was I letting me drive the wheel or my creator? The very thought of me being here reminds me of Jean-Paul Sartre's, Huis Clos (No Exit). Existentialism is a fickle thing and my duties up here in Airmont (caring for some animals and a beautiful house and car) has me wondering. Why am I here? Why is it that I exist?
I just finished viewing a documentary about 2 brothers and their relationship with their father and the world called: The Human Experience  along with another documentary about the I heart NY creator, Milton Glaser and Original Sin, Billy Elliot, and Salt. Yes, I wanted to maximize my NETFLIX subscription today...and it has made me delve deeper into my ruminations.

Well, with all of this. I am still forced to make a decision come May 31st to rid of all my possessions or to store them and figure out a home base for the next 6 months...I just hope that the people that I meet along the way have a matched faith. They don't have to be Christian, just a faith that their existence is because of a greater good. There are a lot of events that are lined up in my life: being an auntie, helping out with the debut of a Film Festival, Directing, Producing and writing very important stories and I hope I can partner up with the right person to go through all of it with me and still have room for the dude upstairs. In fact, the dude upstairs is the unmentionable partner that will be with me along the way, with or without an actual physical counterpart.

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